Dr. William Samek in Miami Herald on Why Men Misbehave
South Florida Psychologist William Samek’s op-ed; “Why Do Men Sexually Misbehave? It Feels So Good” was featured in yesterday’s Miami Herald. Samek is well recognized in the treatment community. It’s worth a read
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People see sexual misbehavior as binary: a person is either a good person (innocent) or a pervert (guilty).
It’s not that simple. Sexual misbehavior occurs on a continuum and within a context. It is caused by multiple, interacting factors. Causes include our society’s values and teachings, our brain’s biology, our personal experiences (especially in childhood), and the conscious and unconscious choices we make.
Sexual offenders vary in the type and intensity of their misbehavior just as alcoholics vary from an occasional episode to all day every day. Sexual misbehaviors include looking or staring at woman while thinking of deviant sex, masturbating privately or publicly to these deviant thoughts, inappropriate speech, unwanted touching, etc. It includes “seductive,” pushy behaviors, with or without alcohol; buying expensive meals and presents; or using intimidation, threats, violence, and more.
The brain centers for sexual arousal, pleasure, and aggression are close to each other in the hypothalamus, which emits hormones that govern thirst, hunger, sleep, mood — and sex drive. Dopamine is a powerful neurotransmitter involved in arousal (both sex and violence) and in feeling good. Men have sexually attacked women since before the time of the Bible. While there may be a brain chemistry component to sexual misbehavior, this neither fully explains nor excuses it.
Men sexually misbehave not so much for sex as for power, control, domination, and/or anger release. Sexual misbehavior is exciting and feels good. Men sexually misbehave because it feels good. With children, men also tend to misbehave for connection, acceptance, and to feel love.
In order to abuse someone, a person has to turn off empathy. Sex offenders narcissistically think only about their feelings. They do not think about how the other person will feel. They rationalize, justify, and deny. They often believe that their victim will want and like it.
Sexual misbehavior is learned. Studies show that more than 85 percent of sex offenders were sexually abused as children. They were abused by either “over control” (harshly treated) or “under control” (spoiled or ignored). They learn it is OK to be selfish, to abuse one’s power, and to act out sexually to feel better.
Men who want power are attracted to power professions. They become police, or leaders in church, politics, business, etc. Compounding this, many of these men are treated in a way that they think entitles them to grab whatever they want.
While all sex offenders are alike, no two are the same. There is a difference between men who behave as Al Franken has admitted and men who do what Harvey Weinstein and Roy Moore allegedly did. They all have the same mental/behavioral illness. However, there is a difference in the degree of their sicknesses and in their likelihood to continue to misbehave. It is like the difference between having a scratch on one’s finger and having a cut to the bone. Both are cuts, but the degree of injury and the likely consequences of the two are totally different.
Moore, Franken, Presidents Trump and Clinton all need to be individually evaluated. Their misbehaviors, honesty, personalities, history of anti-social behaviors, and use of power are not the same. Their treatment needs and prognosis are not the same.
Proper treatment requires therapists with specialized treatment skills. The best treatment is compelled long term group psychotherapy with similar men. The good news is that treatment of sexual misconduct when done by a competent specialist can be successful. While people are surprised to hear it, the data show that proper treatment “cure” rates can be 90% or better.
To make society safer, we need to better understand sexual misbehavior and to see how common it is. There is much complexity and variability in sexual offenders. Responding only with harsh punishment and banishment does not work well. We need to set punishment and treatment to fit each offender.
William Samek, Ph.D., is forensic and clinical psychologist director of the Florida Sexual Abuse Treatment Program, Inc., which serves both sexual victims and offenders.
The article seems to completely ignore or gloss over the situational offender that has no idea he (or she) has done something wrong until they’re under arrest. No, not all offenders are the same. Not all offenders intentionally committed a crime at all and did so completely unwittingly or through the dishonesty of their “victim”.
I agree that the article omits the full spectrum of offenders.
A 21 year old guy that hooks up with someone he met in a bar who says she is 19, but discovered later she lied and is actually 16, should not be considered a “sex offender”.
The article does highlight that not all “offenders” are the same. Perhaps it should go a step further and explain that some on this list should not even be considered an offender.
We should keep in mind that Dr. Samek is a treatment provider, so it would be a disservice to himself and his colleagues to delve too deeply into those who should not have been caught up in this net to begin with.
Besides, if you were in the business of selling home security systems and the crime rate for home burglaries was at a historical low would you bother to tell this to your customers? Heck no, bad for business. This guy didn’t bother delving too deeply into the offenders being individualistic and diverse due to the same angle. Bad for business.
What drivel nonsense full of the same old stereotypes, generalizations, and other useless ramblings using the term/label “sex offender” as if that is actually something real!
The term is meaningless and should be done away with just as the “N” word was used to label an entire group of people and make them a faceless stereotype easy to dismiss, ignore and abuse.
Time to call out those who perpetuate this harmful and meaningless label such as the author of this article. Total Rubbish!
Kudos to the Miami Herald for publishing this article now if only some politican would use it along with all the other ammunition years of study have compiled to make some positive changes and help restore the lives of both victims and registrars
Should not every POS politician, Hollow-wood mogul, Business executive…etc. be placed on a Sexual Harassment Registry. Forced to disclose where they work, seek higher education or live? Society must be forewarned of these high-recidivists individuals! The public has a right to know!
Will a new registry be formed for these folks? I’m betting that’s a big ol’ no sir, no ma’am.
More proof that SOR is a bill of attainder aimed at a select, powerless few. Way to go Amerikstan!
Absolutely yes about the psycho-social aspect. As far as treatment? I disagree. We are not robots. We do what we want to do. The answer to the problem is: STOP. Now, if that makes a person uncomfortable or miserable in doing so, then group therapy might help a person to find ways to feel better about life in general, but only if you’re the group therapy type and you respond to that sort of thing. But as far as the behavior? Healthy-brained adults can stop bad behavior just as soon as they are ready and decide to do so – anyone in Alcoholics Anonymous will tell you that. We perform bodily functions because we can’t help it, behaviors, however, are decided-upon actions with which we have full control.
Is it really a mental illness? Is it really deviant behavior, or is it just culturally unacceptable? Obviously no one should be forced to engage in anything against there will. But to say sex offenders have a mental illness or that they are committing deviant behavior is more an opinion based on our cultural views. Remember not too long ago being homosexual was a deviant behavior in our society.
Excellent comment.
Consensual relations between someone over the age of consent and someone under it is culturally unacceptable for some good reasons. Some adults ‘groom’ their underage interests, just like most adult men do to adult women (via gifts and flowers) to whom they are attracted. That can really complicate and confuse a kid’s life. Adults shouldn’t be calling kids at home at night to flirt with them. They shouldn’t impose too much of the essence and trappings of their adult worlds on kids whose current interests and priorities are likely different. However, I believe that the idea that an adult is ‘sick’ for becoming sexually aroused by a teenager’s body is ridiculous. I’ve watched adult friends temporarily lust over a minor-aged girl in a bikini and then feel disgusted once told that she’s only fifteen years old. I wish that, instead of feeling disgust, these guys could admit that a sexually mature body can be attractive. They just need to keep the law and their own morals in mind before reacting in any way. My offense was not ‘sick’ – it was inappropriate and inconsiderate and was a reflection on personal problems that I was having – and would have been legal in many places (states and countries) in the world. I am not condoning sex between adults and minors in any way. I just don’t want to be labeled a ‘sicko’.
Want to see the “studies” which find that 85% of offenders endured abuse as children. Not clear on his point here at all and find it very subjective and misleading. I wish these so called experts would stop writing articles for the general public to read. This is not a very good article at all because it is shows his lack of treatment diversity and knowedge of human frailties. It is obvious this is a business for him and not much more.
This nest-feathering pseudo-scientist, no doubt, loves the attention that ‘sexual assault’ is getting in the press lately. I miss the 70’s before psychology became so pop-culture and profitable. Deviance is, more and more, becoming a strictly naughty word in this era when soccer moms, etc. see themselves as evolved Disney-esque residents and parents, in a world where the staff (i.e., legal authorities) are solely responsible for keeping everything and everyone ‘normal’. Societies enduring plagues and wars don’t have the time or resources to invent the kinds of public crusades, sexual or otherwise, for the sake of money and entertainment, that our society does. But, of course, scandal does provide political benefits and public distractions for some. I really fear the kind of future technology and new legal developments that this evolving ‘money industry’ can breed once it’s shown to be so lucrative.
By the way, while on probation years ago, I almost lost my job when I was asked to take a critical 3-day business trip, but was prohibited, by my counselor, from missing one of my useless hour-long sex offense counseling sessions scheduled during that 3 days. My counselor, however, DID end up skipping that session, as he did three or four others during that year of enlightenment. Usually, when he missed, someone showed up and played a movie for us!