Member Submission: Post-Conviction Traumatic Stress
The interrogation by police that I received was extreme. It began about 6:30 in the morning when I awakened in bed by a room full of police. I have reason to believe that several had their guns drawn. After dressing, with most of the officers present, I was taken downstairs, where I found a solid wood door had been destroyed by the police when they gained entrance to our home. For more than four hours I was asked hundreds of questions, which I struggled to answer because I had only slept for four hours. There was no food, Not even a drink of water, and I was so frightened that I forgot to go to the bathroom. Afterward my lawyer told me that he had seen this sort of interrogation before—when he was stationed in Afghanistan this was the method used with terrorists.
As a college teacher, I was decimated by the experience. For a year or more I had flashbacks in which the police came barging into my home. I moved to the basement of the house for greater safety, but still I heard noises of what I thought were the police invading my home again. One night I thought I heard the garage door go up and the car being started and driving away. I got up and checked, but the car was still there. I wrote down the many flashbacks and disturbing images I had even when awake at night. This seemed very real.
I was seeing a therapist at the time on a voluntary basis. I described some of what I was experiencing and asked for help. She informed me she didn’t do that kind of therapy. With my doctorate in psychology, and having taught abnormal psychology for several years, I wondered if this was something like post traumatic stress disorder, what some in the military experience once they are home and safe. They will experience the trauma of the battlefield at home, much as they did overseas. This is a problem for those who have been highly traumatized by life-threatening experiences. Could it be that I was having symptoms of PTSD, not because of terrible war experiences, but because of the invasion of my home by police officers.
Then I was placed upon the sex offender registry, and given monitoring devices. I was told to avoid many places that children could theoretically congregate, but also be vigilant in everyday life and avoid being near children. This included taking an alternative aisle in a store if there was a child near the products I needed. I should carefully watch for children when walking down the street, crossing the road and walking on the other side if I saw a child on my side of the street. I must drive on alternate roads to avoid driving by schools. In short, I was taught by my therapist and later by a probation officer to become phobic of children. I thought constantly about this avoidance, which required me to think far more about children than I had before. Did the requirements of the probation officer and my therapist, as well as those of being on the sex offender registry, add to the PTSD symptoms? After more than a year of such symptoms, during which I began vigilant avoidance of children, I concluded I was worse. But we was there anything in the textbooks and research that confirmed this?
In the year 2020 Danielle Harris and Jill Levenson were published in the International Journal of Offender Therapy and Comparative Criminology under the subtitle “post-conviction traumatic stress in men convicted of sexual offenses.” I obtained a copy of the research report and found that these researchers had identified experiences much like mine in other registrants. The problems are many for registrants, many of them created by poorly designed laws that have little or no research evidence to support them. The disconnect, the fear, and the stigma by themselves can induce trauma. The authors see these reactions as a disorder that closely approximates PTSD, a new disorder they describe as “post-conviction traumatic stress.” Symptoms include thoughts that intrude, negative thoughts and emotions, avoidance, and hypervigilance (constantly in an anxious state where you are looking for evidence of harm). These symptoms are believed to be related to aspects of every phase of the criminal justice system.
Anxiety and feelings of helplessness begin to characterize the person’s life, making it difficult to connect experiences and emotions. Attempts at adapting to the environment bring unhealthy thinking about the world, others in life, and themselves. Re-experiencing the trauma, avoiding situations that could trigger such reactions, and maladaptive coping can develop (such as addiction and criminal activities). Being accused of a sex crime, arrest, incarceration, and sex offender registration are life-altering events, producing a sense of powerlessness and fear. In short, it can be traumatic.
Harris and Levenson point out that those who are convicted of sex crimes were often mistreated in childhood (I was sexually abused by a neighbor). This disorder is associated with family estrangement, lack of adequate employment, housing changes, isolation, and other sources of significant stress. Social stigma is not only directed to registrants but also to their families. These problems can be traced to the adversarial court system, incarceration, and a correctional system that lacks an understanding of trauma. Incarceration is associated with nightmares and unwanted thoughts, being easy to startle, avoiding crowds, being detached emotionally, and paranoia.
Such stress can influence people to commit additional crimes, as the former inmate experiences social injustice, a sense of helplessness, and sometimes a desire for vengeance. The person is labeled by society, producing shame, isolation, and a sense of hopelessness. Being on the registry, known by many because of its public nature on the Internet, reinforces the identity of deviance and thus encourages future criminal actions. These influences, in turn, make it more difficult to secure basic human needs for self and family, and in turn communicate that whatever achievement is accomplished can quickly be taken away.
In their study of 74 men, incarcerated for sexual offenses, Harris and Levenson discovered a concern for safety from the police, people who would accuse them falsely, vigilantes, and dangers from living on the streets. Many felt socially disconnected, and experienced lack of contact with children, friends, and family. It was difficult to find a job. Many spoke of the loss of opportunities, dreams and hopes for the future.
The researchers found that all four diagnostic categories associated with post traumatic traumatic stress disorder were common: thoughts or mental images that intruded, avoidance of people and situations that produce distress and isolation (due to fear of being wrongly accused), negative beliefs about other people or self, and a sense of constant danger, less interest in activities, constant vigilance; continual scanning for signs of danger, and sleep problems.
Some react by traumatic coping, in which the above characteristics are accentuated and obsessiveness with obeying laws is prominent. Planning for the future is replaced with an emphasis upon the here and now. The authors conclude that this form of coping is ultimately ineffective.
In contrast, resilient coping involves a greater acceptance of their situation, and the motivation to see reform. Those who are better educated are more likely to use this form of coping. But even these men are worried about incidental contact that would mistakenly get them into trouble.
The research concludes that the crucial aspect of trauma in the corrections process calls for changes to the oppressive and disempowering activities of corrections and courts. Treatment must be trauma-informed as well as encourage community adjustment and a more positive identity. They note that faith-based programs, 12 step programs, and trauma-based treatment can encourage needed acceptance and belonging. Levenson proposed the acronym SHARE as central to successful therapy: (1) safety (2) help (3) autonomy (4) respect and (5) empathy
Nothing new here. Didn’t see anything out of the norm. Sounds like an average everyday warrant serving, conviction and punishment. Same as we all go through…Some have worse after effects than others, it seems.
FAC Member Submissions are always good. Especially this one.
Our therapy is never ending. I have been a registrant for 21 years and I still wake up in the middle of the night hearing pounding at my door. My therapist for 2 years also a Navy Champlain never approached the subject of PTSD. We have little or no support groups in our community to deal with high stress levels. One Christmas I was ordered to remove my outdoor lights because they would attract children. We are consistently bombarded with crazy theories about our crimes made up by overly zealous politicians trying to make a name for themselves. The good news, your not alone.. trust me. Your testimonial is inspiring and needs to be published. PTSD was decades ago once known as Battle Fatigue and we have a long hard fight ahead of us to ease restrictions for non violent sexual crimes.
JEV -True Confessions
I’d like to see statistical evidence that Christmas lights attract children. Are they like mosquitoes now? Absurd!
I rather see I.Q. tests of the people who think Christmas lights make any difference to public safety or protecting children. That would be entertaining. Registry Supporters/Terrorists are not a bright bunch.
LOL!!!!
Hate to admit it but jed is 100% correct. Now try doing this for 15 years.
An additional point, ptsd is “post” what we all go through is never going to be post but
“current”.
I felt every word , as though I was the one who wrote this article…wow!! I have reoccurring dreams of being back in prison. almost nightly. I’m currently employed but I’m in fear that everyday somebody’s going to tell the owner that as long as I work there they won’t shop here. that’s a big fear of mine.
That is understandable.
As a Person Forced to Register (PFR), I exert a lot of effort to use companies that employ PFRs. I tell the management and owners that I do it also. I’ve always had good experiences doing that and they seem to appreciate it.
I also refuse to do business with any people who think the Registries are acceptable. That takes some work and can cause problems, but I feel pretty strongly about it. Any PFR can do it and I think all should. There are millions of PFRs and family members. We CAN make a serious impact, including political. But we have to speak up and act.
I do this all the time while buying products and services. I will get quotes from businesses and right before I’m ready to sign a contract, I will talk to them about how they feel about the Registries. If I don’t like their answer, I tell them and that I’m taking my business elsewhere. People notice that and they obviously understand that since they are aholes that it has seriously cost them. I’ve done that repeatedly with some companies. If they were smarter, they’d stop talking to me, lol. I’m a little surprised they haven’t gone out of business.
I love what you are doing. You definitely put some thoughts into my mind about where I will take my future business. Thanks. 🙂
This is surely an idea worth considering, Will Allen and Daphne.
Most people outside our bubble don’t have much opinion on registries one way or the other. Don’t pressure them to take a position— educate them.
Yes, I’ve wondered about that myself over the years. And when you confront people about their beliefs on a regular basis then you really have an opportunity to consider if you are being “productive” and like the results. I’ve had lots of opportunities to see the results and reactions firsthand and directly. And of course, I’ve adjusted my actions over the years to try to get better results.
I’d love to see a study of what you are talking about. Anecdotally, I’ve found you are right to a large extent, in that people haven’t thought much about it. Which I think is even more of a reason to take any opportunity to discuss it with them and get them to pick a position, good or bad. Frankly, I think most people living in America have some opinions on anything and everything, even if they know nothing about it. I have found that with the Oppression Lists (OLs) as well – they may just be “latent” opinions that they never have really thought about much.
I have found that most people are fine having a discussion about it and don’t feel “pressure” “to take a position”, as you said. Although most business owners and partners do not want to have anything to do with it. But I definitely want to know about them. I have no intention of helping to enrich someone who thinks the OLs are acceptable. I’m not interested in helping them succeed.
It is also important to me to know about people that I might consider to be a friend or to be around my family. I have no interest in having Registry Supporters around us. If a person knows about the OLs and still supports them, you can bet they are an ahole. So I’m definitely going to find out about those people.
It is very important to me. I pay attention and there are other reasons I won’t do business with people. If I walk into a business and see certain flags or signs hanging up, I leave. If I know they take certain positions, I stay away from them.
A lot of people and businesses aren’t interested in thinking about the OLs or caring about their effects. THAT is what has allowed the harassment to exist. Rampant apathy. Few people care unless it affects them. I think we should force people to think about it and at least educate them a little. Then let them choose.
I considered it 20 years ago and have been doing it ever since. I made it my mission to make it very worthwhile for people to be part of my world – as friends, partners, suppliers, customers, whatever. Those people have gotten a lot out of it. Today, I have a lot to give. I help everyone in my world, to a fault. I shun everyone outside of it. If a person, business, or whatever does not actively renounce the Oppression Lists, I renounce them and make that matter. It has real impacts in the real world. I’ll call it “cancel culture”. If you support big government Oppression you get canceled. I was practicing it before it became so popular.
This also applies to spouses (and children) of those on the registry. Just the doorbell ringing, ir a knock at the door, is enough to make me anxious. I worry about the off chance my husband could be around a minor without anyone else present, just because of his being on the registry and stressing about the fact someone would find out and automatically think the worst of him.(or worse accuse him of anything). Over the years I’ve been vigilant about making sure that scenario ever happens. Our 19 year old son has very high distrust of pretty much anyone because of his dad being on the registry.(especially those he’s met online) He worried about his classmates finding out about his dad. We’ve all carried the burden of the registry on our shoulders.
Very true. I’ve seen the distrust and contempt carry down through a couple of generations already. My children are all very successful professionals and business owners. They are teaching their children to never trust government or law enforcement. One of my children is very high up in the education profession. He is influencing many.
One thing I found that helped my family to a huge degree was to block off access to our home. So, there were no knocks at the door or anything like that. And they never spoke to law enforcement ever, and never will. I really think that helps to a huge degree. I also don’t allow law enforcement to contact me just whenever they feel like it. They don’t really try much but different ones have tried occasionally. I never return their phone calls or any “notes” left at my home or business. Personally, I think it is very important to never set any expectation that you will reply. That has worked very well for my family for decades.
glad this is being addressed. when PCSD was presented in a so-called SOTP, shame and punishment, -not SHARE- then and now remains the state’s dysfunctional response. in my case it included a year in prison. my current healing includes $70.000 court judgments against
Cath. Char. and state of Hawaii.
Good to see the research on the emotional toll that long term punishment and social ostracizing causes.
This article struck home for me, and to me. I am nearing a quarter century on my state’s SOR, thanks to false allegations of child molestation. My then-personal doctor & long-time friend said I had PTSD, and he was amazed that I was able to endure it without a complete breakdown. I only later told him I often flirted with suicide before my ultimate court date–evenings spent holding a loaded pistol and wondering whether the bullet I fired would indeed end my trauma.
Years later, I was driving near my home, running some errands, when a local PD car pulled up behind me and began flashing his lights. It turned out he wanted to tell me I had a burned-out taillight; but in those first seconds after seeing those lights and pulling over, my first thought was “What are they going to say that I’ve done this time?” I have maintained a good relationship with the SOR officials I must se at least twice a year, but I still notify at least 2 people every time I must report–just in case something else happens and I wind up arrested again. The fear, the trauma clings to me despite the passing of many years. (And I was formally diagnosed only with “mild” depression.)
Within the last 2 years I learned that 1 of my 2 accusers recanted the accusations, which also raised considerable doubts about the other accusation; but under current state law this recanting cannot and will not be of any legal use, in the main because I made a plea bargain. I do have a little more peace of mind; however, the trauma does not go away. (“If I knew then what I know now,” is an often-repeated statement.)
I don’t know what it will take to finally and convincingly show the damage done to registrants and their families, and arguably the damage being worse for a falsely accused registrant. We can and should do whatever it takes to call attention to and actively promote the research that Jill Levinson, Emily Horowitz, and others have done and are doing. At the same time, I wonder if it will take “simple arithmetic” adding more and still more people to the registry, seeing these new “recruits” endure what we “long-timers” already and all-too-well-know.
More than a few “anti-vaxxers” changed their thinking and their language when they caught the coronavirus, lost a loved one to its ravages, or finally accepted the mass of accumulated, peer-reviewed research that call for positive, realistic solutions. There are some people who do not nor will not go along with this view. But I think there is a parallel here, that it WILL take more people winding up on a SOR, and damage done to their families to join the push for the acceptance of accumulated, peer-reviewed research that demonstrates existing SO laws, SORs, do far more harm than good.
The costs will be heavy and unwelcome certainly in the short run. But if it happens to enough people . . . .
This is so sad…I find it repulsion that a murderer can be free and no one know, especially a child murderer. The stats have proven that children sexually abused are harmed by people they know versus child murderers (I’m assuming here) are mostly by strangers.
This is a life sentence on both the post incarcerated offender and their family. This is unjust on so many levels and I pray everyday that the current situation becomes a “way of the past”.
I believe that if you’ve done your time you should be given a fair chance to integrate back into society, fall in love, earn an honest income, and a chance of the American dream.
If not, when will it stop? A DUI registry, a Robbery registry, a didn’t pay your vehicle ticket registry?
In situations like that, the less you say is the better. Take for instance, after I completed my sex offender classes. They tell me I needed or they feel I needed more classes. Well that didn’t last to long as I started preaching in class and next thing I know they called me into the office. Course I knew what it was about in so many ways. Took my sister and a friend with me and we got to the bottom of this.
In effect, the instructor, the PO officer and the DA suggested they no longer wanted me to be in the class. Wonder why? Even when they ask me to sign a paper saying I knew I was talking to a teenager I didn’t sign.. Wonder why? Course my sister said go ahead and sign as you’ve signed everything else but this time it was different and she didn’t understand that but the other lady friend that came along with us did and so did I.
So am I in deniel sure I am according to them or do these ministers of Justice set people up for the game of overcoming another. Think of all the money they have by inducing these ordeals on another or giving them this opportunity.
My son is currently being treated for PTSD for the trauma caused by a counselor he was made to attend counseling classes with, through probation, for a police created crime (online solicitation of a minor; a pretend minor who was looking for men on Craigslist to hook up with and meet up with for sexual purposes). We have evidence that the PTSD was not there before and is there now, since he started these counseling classes through probation. They use mental health professionals (who work in the legal system) to brainwash these men who were trapped in these police created crimes that would have not existed otherwise (the sex sting scam). They force the men to lie and state that they were stopped from raping a minor. They have to say that if police had not stopped them they would have raped a minor. Otherwise, they are accused of being in denial, and they are punished for it. They get kicked out of the class and get their probation revoked, sending them to prison for not giving into the demands of those that work in the system.
My son was even going to be given a polygraph with that question, and because they could not get him to provide the answer they wanted (YES), they backed out on giving him the polygraph, even though they still made him pay $250 for it. The excuse he was given was that they could not test him on what his intentions were or were not at the time he went to meet the pretend girl. The question was supposed to be, “Did you show up to have sex with a minor?” His response is a firm “NO”. That response is not allowed.
If the polygraph was not about what his intentions were or were not, then what was the purpose of it?
By the way, I reported the counselor for unethical conduct, for wanting to force my son to lie, resorting to bullying and threats in order to get him to comply with his (the counselor’s) own wishes. That’s currently pending.
Those who oversee the ethics of the mental health profession need to be aware that our legal system is using mental health professionals to brainwash individuals in order to benefit themselves/their jobs. This is the worst ethics violation a mental health professional can commit. (cause intentional harm to a client in order to benefit themselves) This is a widespread problem.
Who is the polygraph examiner who would not permit a “no” response? They need to be reported.
Who collected the polygraph fee for a polygraph that was not permitted to proceed?
In this disturbing account I see a lot of use of passive voice and “they.” I can understand you being tentative on a public forum, but the individuals and/or agencies that are doing these things need to be named and called out somewhere.
Sex offender counselors vary in quality. They are all over the map. I am so sorry that your son has had to endure this nightmare.
You have to see polygraph examiners much in the same way someone on a hit list would who is being interrogated by the CIA in a secret prison. The interrogator’s purpose is to advance the narrative of the prosecuting arm of the program. Your only hope is to demand an impartial polygraph examiner of your own choosing (as you are paying for the cost of it). If you win that concession, you might just get a fair chance in what is an otherwise very unfair, unethical, and unconstitutional system.
The polygraph examiner is through Midland County probation department in Texas. The probation officer and the counselor had said they would be present for the polygraph, and they were not. So, they lied.
I don’t know the name of the man who was supposed to administer the polygraph, then backed out of giving it because my son would not provide the answer demanded from him.
The evil counselor who harassed him about this after not following his demand and giving into his own wishes is Douglas Brown, who works for the Midland County probation department. He has been reported to the Texas Health Executive Council for unethical conduct.
I hope he is disciplined. For a counselor to demand a pre-determined answer to a polygraph is unconscionable. In a way I don’t blame the examiner for getting out of that situation.
Jed….maybe not you….but for many folks….it is a real issue.
Me, as a combat veteran, (2 x Iraq Deployments) and 100% disabled for Chronic PTSD, I identify those PCSD with my PTSD. Matter fact, I believe I suffer from that as well, because I get terrified when the bell rings and I quickly think that the guys in green are coming for me.
You see, when you spend over 2 years of your life in a shithole that many bad guys that doesn’t know you but wants to behead you and stomp on your corpse, you tend to believe that there is nothing out there that scares you…but I found out the hard way that there are folks that are scarier than some ragtag insurgents in a shithole place.
So yes, those symptoms are real and the pain you feel when you go through it it is real.
I think I was misunderstood. I was trying to say in a sort of sarcastic way that all the horrible events this man went through is the same we all went through.
The busting in the door with a team of SWAT cops, weapons drawn ore dawn, while we are all sleeping and in bed clothes, if any at all.
The thousand questions that only the answers they want that are being recorded. The impossible regulations to stay away from kids even at wal mart.
I was trying to imply that this is the norm for an arrest and conviction. Nothing new here. Same thing we all went through. It is standard procedure with law enforcement. They could care less about our PTSD, sadly.
“I get terrified when the bell rings and I quickly think that the guys in green are coming for me.” Sir, you’re not alone. I disconnected my door Belk because it was so traumatic. The only visitors I get are probation officers and deputies who do their residency checks. Now they all have to call me in advance. It gives me a feeling of power over my own life. This is how I adapted.
I also disconnected my doorbell. LE can’t even see my property let alone access it without calling first now. 🙃
If an article states something attracts children the village pheasants will believe it. Would having leftovers on your front stoop attract children also or just feral cats with other wildlife? How about watching Peanut’s Holiday specials blasting from your tv? Children need to protected from helicopter parents because they are taking their children’s innocence away based on fear.
I understand all the PTSD aspects of this. 32 years of threats, homelessness, joblessness, and loneliness. Constant probation violations for not crossing a “T” or dotting an “I”. Being transferred from one county to another sitting in jail waiting to find out about the violation and the probation officer never comes to court. Realesed and stuck trying to find a ride home back to the county I now live in, and driving my friends crazy looking for help to get home, once again. Then returning home and ordered to check in with the probation officer who violated me, only to have her look me in the face and say: “Who are you?” Months and months of doing this, for years. Wears a person thin, and soon you are alone and run out of friends. Because, they cannot handle it anymore.
1989 was the original charge, falsely accused do to your sexuality, by a bigot of a family member. Nine months in jail on hearsay charge no evidence, no nothing but hearsay. The judge would ask my sister about her thoughts on my being gay, and she would scream and cry, and out of the courtroom she would be carried. Judge was on my side, yet, eighteen and very afraid, and then raped and beaten, I jumped the gun out of fear and took a plea bargain. I just wanted it over. Because I had bitten on of the rapists, they were given the option to press charges on me and the officers basically said I brought it on myself. 13 years probation. Because of all the crap with vengeful probation officers, I was finally released in 2001. 2006 was placed on registry. Simple then of course, but not a wanted task. Violated for being homeless and placed on four more years. probation.
Bounced around with no job and no home until 2010. Found a nice house and great people who gave me chance. Worked for their company and they treated me as family. Been there since. Put on disability in 2010, due to compound PTSD. Still do not trust a soul, flashbacks, fear. The list goes on.
2014, tried to help someone I met online because I understood his situation. Been there, done that and as a kind hearted person, I thought I was doing good. No. He was dangerous and liked his drugs and his control. Stole, threatened me and on occasions best the crap out of me and threatened my friends. He once held me up against a wall and told me he would kill me when ever he wanted and would spend the rest of his life destroying me. The police were of no help and they shrugged it off. After running out of money taking care of him and a few friends standing up against his abuse and grifting nature, I got rid of him. Plus, he tried to set me on fire while I was sleeping. He even hid the smoke alarm under his mattress, so it would not warn me. If it wasn’t for my cats, I probably wouldn’t be here. He got a hold of my phone, got my contacts and proceeded to tell everyone horrible things about me and I was defenseless. He went to all my neighbors and told them every lie he could think of. Fast forward eight years later and he is back with a vengeance. My house has been broken into numerous times, my life threatened by my neighbors. My property damaged. Policed called and now it happens so often, the police just laugh at me. My alarms have been cut, wifi hacked and I left by job after a year due to threats against my life and just plain harassing innuendos. Plus, the neighbors want me out of the house so bad, that the police constantly follow me and now anything with a siren and I mean anything, harass me as I drive, no matter where I am. Phone, email and texts all monitored. Stalked by all my neighbors at all times of day. They tell me what I say on the phone, what I am doing in my house, where things are in my house. How do I prove the truth when no one wants to hear it? Move you say? Where, how and where is the magical pot of endless money? It’s like the law and these people are going to harass me and stalk me into suicide or false confessions. What do I do? My landlords are somewhat on my side. The wife cares, the husband wants me gone. I do not have funds or the ability to run. Suicide……it is almost the next option, hell no one wants the real truth. As I said, eight years later and he has come back with a vengeance. Why, because I have a label and who on Earth is going to believe me? Alone I stand.
One popular view is that registrant PTSD is appropriate and good.
“Your victim suffered PTSD; why shouldn’t you feel it also?”
Or even, “you intended to do something that would have caused PTSD; why shouldn’t you feel it so you learn your lesson?”
Or even, “you were a participant in contributing to someone’s PTSD; shouldn’t you feel it as a reminder to refrain from that activity?”
Or (directed at family members), “I’m so sorry, but the fault lies entirely with your loved one for causing you to have to go through this.”
Sometimes these are strongly-held beliefs; more often they are just assumptions made by the vast majority that have no experience with the registry.
FAC tends to be a safe place for registrants and their families to share experiences. But there’s an inherent tension between that role and FAC’s mission of educating the public.
Without minimizing sex convictions, have any FAC members successfully persuaded someone who holds the above position(s), to soften their position? Have you ever persuaded someone that registrant PTSD, contrary to their prior assumptions, is unjustified? If so, how?
One thought I haven’t tested: PTSD probably increases one’s risk to re-offend. And no one wants that, right?
I realize that raising the above discussion question won’t win me many friends. We just have to remind ourselves how people think outside our bubble, and what we’re up against.
My offense dates back to 1998, a victimless crime, when I was first arrested, it was my first offense, so I was in complete shock. Everyone I knew abandoned me, my wife, with my son, every friend I knew, My family was my biggest support. when I spent the night in jail, and I returned home, I was alone, I was petrified. ANY knock on the door sent my heart racing, constant fear. I kept considering suicide, I decided to find some help and met a Psychiatrist. He let me talk, and I explained everything to him and he listened to everything I told him. Fast forward 6 months, I decided to plead no contest, in return I would do probation for 5 years. The judge ordered that I not be on the sex offender registry, the only requirements were not to own a personal computer and not be with anyone under 18 except my own children while on probation. Well probation refused the Judges orders and made their own, and it was hell. I feared everything, the warrant less searches were the worst, the harassment, the loss of jobs, housing, security, I no longer felt like a normal human being. I was isolated from everything. To this day, I still see the same doctor, because I would be dead without him. Move forward to 2002, I was constantly under stress and fear, Oct 30th 2002 at the age of 40, I suffered my first massive heart attack, and was dead for 10 minutes, on life support four days. In total, because of my PTSD, I have had 7 heart attacks. I live with a pacemaker/defibrillator in my chest. in 2010, I married again to my European Girlfriend, we were really happy together, we tried for 8 years for her to get her Green card, but we were denied, because of my past, (almost impossible to marry a foreigner. I dont control my life anymore, only the state controls me, where I live, what I drive, where I go, who I can marry, they have all the control. There is so much more to all of this, but trying not to bore you. I have been Diagnosed with PTSD since 1998, but it means nothing to the state, they could care less, because in their eyes, I am nothing but scum